Deepology

Let Yes Mean Yes

Debbie Cunningham is right on target with this commentary.  It comes from an email that she sends out regularly to friends and family with words of wisdom and encouragement.  Personally it has always been my philosophy to "speak straight from the hip," or not at all, so when I read what she had to say after her brother Terrence forwarded me the email, I had to post it.  I don't think that this train of thought is said, taught, or practiced enough in today’s society.

• Ever been in a situation where you knew that you didn't want something or didn't want to do something but you just kinda' went along for the ride?  Well, I am here to tell you that it's best to take the time and energy to make decisions based on what you know to be right in your heart and gut.   We don't make things better by just going along to get along.  In the end, it just doesn't work.  Either you end up being in a situation that you could have avoided OR you disappoint others by not being up front with them in the first place.
• I have said it before (in a different way) and I will say it again, "the people who matter will support your decisions and the people who don't support your decisions don't matter."  Don't be afraid to be honest about what you want (and don't want).
• Looking for a job and you know that the commute is important?  Well, don't take the job (even if it offers lots of ca$h) if the commute doesn't work for you.  You will find that as time goes on, you will feel drained and your personal time will have been compromised because you are too wound up about the stress of the commute.  All the money in the world can't fix that kind of anxiety.  So, say "no" if the commute doesn't work for you.
• Friends and family pushing for a big expensive holiday experience but you know that you can't afford it?  Then do what you can afford to do.  No, you won't be the most popular person in the bunch but you also won't have the after season stress that many big spenders have.   So, say "no" to excessive spending if you don't have the money.
• Your husband really, really, really wants the two of you to purchase a simply ugly living room set?  You might tell yourself that he is always agreeing to things that you want to do.  I would say that you should consider that a living room set is meant to last for years and years.  Unless you can stomach walking past the set for 10-20 years and not mentally kicking yourself or even being downright angry about it, then guide him towards something you both can agree upon. So, say "no" to the UGLY living room set and yes to a relationship that fosters open communication and can stand the test of time.
• Looking for a new look and someone "strongly" suggests a hair cut (and they're willing to foot the bill) that you suspect won't work for you?  Politely but firmly turn down the generous offer.  A hair cut is not easily undone.  Being appreciative is one thing but so is being foolish.  So, say "no" to the "do" and the "do" money too.
• Got one of those friends or a family member who's always trying to "guilt" you into doing something?  Take a quote out of my book of quips regarding guilt trips. Tell them, "If you're going on a guilt trip, pack for one."  No kidding!  Don't allow folks to guilt you into doing something that just doesn't work for you.  You don't need a reason for not doing something - don't let anyone guilt you into thinking otherwise.  So, say "no" to the trip and let the guilty party trip out on their own.
• Best friend wants you to invest in a get rich quick scheme? Let's say that it's been 50/50 for your friend in picking good investments.  Let's also say that you just don't want to do it.  Don't!  If your relationship doesn't survive a "no" then it wasn't a friendship.  So, say "no" to the scheme and yes to a friendship that can withstand honesty.
• Lastly, if you meant "no" but somehow didn't say it - don't be afraid to go back and change.  Will others get upset? Sure they will. Fortunately, if they care enough, they'll get over it.  Is it right for you to change your mind?  No.  It really isn't.  But if it's a matter of sticking to "yes" for all of the wrong reasons, then you're better off swallowing pride, risking some tough moments, and being brutally honest.  I am not saying that it's easy - it's not.  Take it from someone who knows.  It hurts and it probably means that you won't be the only one hurting.  But, in the long run you're better off with decisions that you can live with.
• So, as the season of much merriment is upon us, be mindful of decisions that you make - and the ones that you allow to be made for you.  Don't let anyone (including YOU) drag you into situations that aren't productive or fulfilling.  I am not saying that you have to be ecstatic over every decision (though that would make life more pleasurable), after all, most relationships are give and take and much compromise.  I am saying that we should think before we speak and think twice before committing.
• And for every one of us - let's try really hard not to back others' backs against the wall.  A decision that makes one person happy at the expense of another is not a good decision.  Yes, I believe that we can all be happy - it takes a willingness by everyone involved to seek first to understand (the other) then seek to be understood (by the other).

Enough said!

January 8, 2007